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Be tipsy throughout: Strategies for getting through the next five days


EVERYTHING is weird and it’s only going to get worse for the next few days. Here’s how to cope.

Be a bit tipsy the whole time

Approach it as you do Christmas, by maintaining a steady level of slight drunkenness throughout. Crack open a beer at 11am, or enjoy a few glasses of Buck’s Fizz with breakfast. Don’t drink so much you pass out though, as you don’t want to have to face any of this madness with a hangover.

Have that social media detox you’ve been droning on about

You’ve been talking about this since you joined Facebook in 2007, so maybe now is the time to shut your laptop and open a book? Sadly you’ll last 37 minutes before cracking and joining a vicious Twitter spat about whether Meghan Markle is holding Prince Harry’s hand too much or too little.

Experiment with psychedelic drugs

Have you always fancied trying magic mushrooms or LSD? This week is already going to be pretty surreal, so why not up the ante by getting off your face on psychedelics? Are you hallucinating Paddington Bear in the queue of mourners, or has some nutter made their dangerously dehydrated child wear a bear costume for five days? Who knows? 

Get really into it

Rather than trying to avoid the pageantry, go the other way and immerse yourself in it. Travel to London and The Queue, or make a life-sized model of the Queen out of cheese and put it in your front garden. No one will judge you, because everyone else has lost their mind as well.

Become feral

If you really can’t take it and need to escape the incessant mourning on TV, radio, the internet and in the newspapers, simply leave your house and go and live in the woods. You can forage for berries, shit in holes and commune with foxes. It will easily be the most enjoyable way to get through this nightmare.



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