Ben Kingsley as Gandhi: Batshit casting choices that wouldn’t work today

THINKING of sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you barely know online? Ask yourself these questions before doing this very obviously stupid thing.

Do you leave naked photos of yourself on lamp posts?

No, because you don’t want your neighbour cheerfully saying ‘I’ve seen your minge!’ while mowing his lawn. Sending naked selfies that could end up being viewed by god-knows-who is similar, but with potentially millions of lamp posts and masturbating neighbours.

Ask yourself: is this a normal way to start a relationship?

Very few relationships begin with the words, ‘Before we get to know each other, can you send me some images to jizz over? Ta.’ Even if your relationship subsequently blossoms it’s going to make for a weird answer to ‘How did you meet?’, eg. ‘Oh, Emma likes looking at random cocks online’, or ‘Gavin likes pressuring women into sending him homemade porn’.

Will it make you popular? Really? 

Take note, teenage girls. You should realise by now that teenagers can be total hypocrites about the thing they’re obsessed with, sex, and won’t miss an opportunity to call you a slag. It’s like egging a mate on to down a pint in one, then disgustedly saying, ‘You’ve got a serious drink problem, Carl.’

Can you be sure the lucky recipient won’t share them?

Chances are the person wanting the nudie pics is a teenage boy or an early 20s lad, and they will do anything to impress their mates. How long are they going to keep this fizzing bundle of sexual dynamite secret? About 25 seconds, if they’re particularly mature.

Can you guarantee your relationship will never go tits up?

Even a long-term, grown-up relationship can go wrong, and you’ve just handed your partner a massive box of ammunition to get revenge in the future. It does raise serious questions about why you were going out with the sort of twat who’d post the pictures for your boss, friends and mum to see. Oh. You’re the sort of idiot who sends nudie pics to strangers. Mystery solved.

Ask: what am I getting out of this?

You’ll have briefly gained the approval of someone who is at best a knobhead and at worst a f**king pervert. The benefit to you is pretty much bugger all. So all things considered, it’s clearly a bad idea. What’s that? You’ve just sent the pictures anyway? 

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