‘Finally I am to deliver on the will of the people by f**king off’

AFTER three years of failing to stay true to my word, I am delighted to finally deliver on the will of the people by f**king off from frontline politics.

For a populist like myself, it’s important I do whatever people want me to – whether that’s getting Brexit done, levelling up the country, or going and not coming back because everyone’s sick to the back teeth of me.

That’s why I’m handing my notice in today. I know how to take a hint, and if you all want me to slink away forever and die in a corner then who am I to argue? You’re all wrong, you f**king nobodies, but that’s just my opinion. I am, as ever, your humble public servant.

At least I’ll be going out on a high. The death throes of my political career will surely come to be seen as its high point. As the old showbiz saying goes, you should always leave the audience wanting more. 

Even if I stayed on, nothing would be able to top the media circus of the last few days. For years now most of you have wanted to see the back of me, and I’m delighted to have met your expectations in the most spectacular way possible as my kingdom of twattery comes crashing down around me.

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, and you’re going to miss me when Raab or Truss or f**king Steve Barclay takes over. But if you really want me to resign and get a £420,000 payout in the process, I’m happy to oblige.

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