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How you’re getting f**ked over in imperial weights and measures


THE government is to continue f**king you over, but in an arcane system of weights and measures it hope you will not understand. How it will work: 

Weight

Fruit will be weighed out in pounds and ounces, baffling Britons completely unfamiliar with weights illegal to even mention under the last 20 years EU rule. Unable to convert from the decimal system and overwhelmed with patriotism, buyers won’t notice the rocketing cost.

Distance

Why use clumsy millimetres when you’re governmentally-mandated to use the superior barleycorn, measuring 1/3 of an inch? Your shelves and walls will be crooked like old milliners’ cottages, and you will accept the corresponding candlelight and poverty calmly.

Volume

Petrol will be priced not in gallons, which the public are vexingly aware of, but in the more sensible pecks, bushels and quarters. It will take a quarter of fuel to fill your SUV, and cost two of your ragamuffin children indentured service of three years each.

Area

A new taxation system based on the area of your home in perches and roods will entirely obscure the resulting massive tax rise. Anyone working from home will see their home reclassified as a workhouse, and handed additional unpaid labour accordingly.

Pay

All wages will be paid in £sd, using the simple four farthings to a penny, 12 pennies to a shilling, 20 shillings to a pound system, developed in 780AD and never bettered. You will have no idea how much your pay is or how much tax the bastards are robbing you of.

Inflation

Inflation will continue to rise by the furlong, tonne, cubit, cable and nautical mile.



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