Jeans with holes in: products Northern dads can’t see the bloody point of

LOOKING for romance but on a very limited budget? Here are some of the awful dates you no doubt went on as a teenager.

Head to the cinema

Did you have visions of suavely putting your arm around your date as you watched some erotically charged French thriller? Unfortunately, the guy at the ticket desk refused to sell you a ticket for an 18 film. Instead, you end up in a matinee screening of the new Paw Patrol movie with a horde of screaming toddlers. Enjoy.

Walking around a shopping centre

There’s romance in the air at your local shopping centre, but mainly the overpowering smell of bleach. Why not stroll through a big Boots? Or maybe count the number of vacant store fronts? Once you’ve worked up an appetite, head to the food court and guess which of the non-franchise fast food outlets looks least likely to give you food poisoning.

Going to the park

A stroll through scenic countryside is a surefire way of kindling romance. Unfortunately, you live in suburban Glasgow and the closest thing to nature is a threadbare park. Enjoy trying to make small-talk in the rain as kids from your school, pissed on Frosty Jack’s, hilariously shout ‘Have you f**ked her yet?’

Watch a movie at home

You’ve been invited round to watch a movie at your date’s house. Perhaps tonight will be the night that you finally kiss? Except it absolutely won’t be as you mistakenly presumed their parents would be out. Enjoy watching Die Hard 4 in silence with your date’s dad sitting between you like a big, angry chastity buffer.

Go bowling

You’ve finally saved up enough pocket money to treat your beloved to an evening of bowling at your local alley. After failing to think of an amusing name for the scoreboard, you spend the rest of the evening humiliated, having paid to demonstrate just how profoundly uncoordinated you are. Brilliant.

Group dates

What’s more awkward than two teenagers on a date? Four teenagers on a double date. Bringing another couple into the mix is a great way to immediately become self-conscious about how terribly your own date is going. Watch them giggle together while your date’s eyes glaze over as you ramble on about which is your favourite Star Wars film.

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