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The five-point guide to deciding if you should have a wank


WAVERING about your commitment to having a hand shandy? Find out if the conditions are opportune with this guide:

Consider how long it’s been

Cast your mind back to the last time you indulged in a bit of self-abuse. If it was more than 48 hours ago, then enough time’s passed for you to get the most out of self-stimulation. If it’s been less than an hour since your last onanistic odyssey, consider giving it a rest, having a shower, and going outside.

Check your surroundings

Secure the area before getting down to business. Conduct a reconnoitre of the perimeter, checking for open curtains, hackable webcams and colleagues or family members. If any of these are present, relocate to a more secure position such as a broom cupboard or the staff toilet. Any room with a lockable door will suffice.

Have a rummage

Test the waters with a preliminary fumble. Ideally you should feel pleasurable stirrings in the groin region. If all you register is a dull sensation like you’re handling a couple of conkers in a sock or leafing through folds of cured ham then you’ve probably exhausted your masturbatory potential for the time being. Try again in five minutes.

Consult your diary

The coast’s clear and your body’s giving you the green light. The only thing standing in your way is the rest of your life. Put your erotic momentum on hold for a moment: have you got a pressing engagement like a redundancy meeting or funeral taking place in the next ten minutes? If the answer is ‘yes’ then zip back up and abort.

Source filth

In medieval times, peasants had to forage in the woods for a stray page torn from Razzle. But thanks to modern technology, we now carry the entirety of the world’s porn in our pockets. Fire up, start scrolling, and forget about how internet porn is damaging your libido until later. It’s finally wanking time.



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