The reasons why I, a 40-year-old single man, cannot date a woman aged over 27

I AM in the prime of life. It behooves women to understand, therefore, that I cannot date them if they are fewer than 13 years my junior. Let me explain: 

I’m young at heart

Unlike my peers, obsessed with their stock portfolios and their flourishing careers, I have a youthful, fresh outlook on life. Like a much younger man I go out, coked up, drinking heavily and leering: what all my friends ‘got out of their systems in 2006.’ How can I be with some old maid of 32, watching her embroidering while she descales her feet?

I’m not ready to settle down

Women over 27 want ‘relationships’ or ‘children’ or to be ‘more than just a booty call’. I prefer women who’ve never considered kids and dump them at the first tick of the biological clock. No babe’s trapping me in a loving, nurturing marriage and family. But also I won’t have a vasectomy.

My type is younger, hotter women

As we’ve got older, my mates have continued to fancy women their own age. Makes no sense. Biologically men are built to want to sleep with fertile-looking women, which means size eight glamour models in their early-to-mid twenties. Don’t deny me living as my authentic sexual self.

Half-your-age-plus seven

It was once English law that you were allowed to date only girls half your age, plus seven. We were a great country then. A women aged 41 came on to me the other week. Honestly it was grotesque.

They get me

These girls really are just on my level. Going on dates with a 30-year-old, it’s all arthouse film this, nice bottle of wine that. I’ve been dating long enough to know how it’s done. Nandos, Marvel movie and then back to mine to watch me play guitar until she agrees to f**k me if I’ll stop.

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